a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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