i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
