Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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