cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
