Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
