I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
