Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee