Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
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On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
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I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.