the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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