if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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