Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We smell like vodka and hangover
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