i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
