She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
