He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
