I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Randomize
