I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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