I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
