so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
