I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
