You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
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you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
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Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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