How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
