Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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