four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
