I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
