mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
