just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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