it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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