I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
