You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
