I think I am morally bankrupt
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
