1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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