is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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