you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
