What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
