new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
