I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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