we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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