i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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