if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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