if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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