I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
