I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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