What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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