it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
