I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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