census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
