Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
