Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
