It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
