Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
