everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
