last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
