I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
