apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
