the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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