All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
