I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
