i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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